Acid Trip
~La la la la la la la la la la la la
I’m from a land called Secret Estonia
Nobody knows where it’s at
Oh! Nobody knows where it’s at~
So… my internet is back up. At first I was updating stuff on the Wii and then the Wii wasn’t working (Mom vacuumed and broke the cord that makes the controllers wireless)… but now the computer is back up. Yay. I’m so tired, I keep going to bed late with no decent excuse…but I’m usually tired. I don’t mind it; it’s an excuse to take naps and listen to music to keep me awake. Music has no me no wrong, and I don’t think it ever will thank God.
A lot has gone on, but I’m not much in the mood to chronicle it. It just feels like one great big blur of dark and light, like a never ending dream…except the dream won’t get to the exciting part, yet it’s still really frightening… I got through my finals with ease. I loved the rain; everyday I’d spin in it, run, dance… I’d be the only kid without an umbrella and with my hood down all day. It was funny, all the silly little ghetto kids fretting over their big hair. I didn’t even bother with my hair, it was au natural. I wish the rain was back, now it’s just cool. Well, today it was sunny which is even worse -.- It’s still green, I love it. I wish it was always green, somewhere like Ireland or Oregon…
Today was a normal day for the most part. We took final exam preparation tests in English and Math. They were really easy, but I didn’t like that I couldn’t listen to music. My ipod is my savior. In English we’re beginning a unit on Julius Caesar, it makes me think of middle school. We read some Shakespeare in 7th grade, namely Hamlet and The Merchant of Venice (both of which I enjoyed). Last year we read Romeo and Juliet (which I hate). I wonder how Julius Caesar will be… in Physics we keep talking about pendulums. It just makes me think of the song Poet and the Pendulum by Nightwish, so it’s hard to focus. As if J.j’s awesome yet perverted jokes didn’t distract me enough >.>
In P.E. we’ve begun a unit on soccer. My enthusiasm is so great that I may as well find a container to fit it all in… NOT. Lunch is lunch: I eat with Andi, when I feel like eating. My appetite’s been acting up again, and I was doing so well! In journalism I’m working an articles about e-readers such as the Kindle and iPad, and an article about how to help those in Haiti… pretty decent topics if you ask me. I’d rather write about that than the leatest “trends” (which I almost did). O.O I don’t like these e-readers, not one bit. It seems convienent to have a bunch of books on one device, but it’s evil!! The books are much cheaper, therefore authors make less money… authors making less money means that there will be less authors, discouraging imagination and deep thought. This, along with the decline of newspapers (meaning people will read articles online, reading select information instead of one easy general source for all news) promotes ignorance. I don’t want to be surrounded by more dummies! It’s like something out of the Twilight Zone!! Aaaah!! Stupid Amazon and its friggin’ kindle…it’s their fault….bleh…
So, for my status (as I’m sure you, beloved reader, have figured out this is where I put it)… I’m better. Really. I don’t cry or scream anymore. I laugh and smile, and even talk in funny voices. When I feel down I write in a private journal and when I can’t do that I talk to my shrink (aka Mellie Moo) via text or phone. I’m not forgetting him, but the memories are being locked up…it feels like they’re being forgotten but they’re not, trust me. I’m working on my movie endurance (I can watch Phantom of the Opera with ease) and my music endurance is superb, I can listen to near anything now! I’m trying to focus on friends, family, and school. It’s a new semester after all, and a time for new beginnings. I’m not completely myself, but I don’t think I’ll be quite the same. This was the best thing to ever happen to me, the happiest and grandest time of my life. He made reality better than my dreams, which are pretty big! Weird enough, I still feel like I’m stuck in a dream… I love him, I will always love him… even if he was the anchor of my sorrow, even when everyone else tells me not to. Mom is pissed that I won’t let go, and has yelled at me for it a few times. Fletcher wasn’t too happy when I told him that I wrote a song, about the situation. He was… kind of mean actually. I was happy that I actually wrote something; I was going to give up writing period! My muse hasn’t come back, so I had to force myself to write it… but anways he was really, really harsh. I know he just wants me to be myself again, he wants me to be happy but he doesn’t understand…not a lot of people do, nor would I expect them to. But that’s why I have to be better, so other people won’t be angry or worried. I’ll be fine in the end, just give me time. It’s only been 3 weeks after all.
Mewzik: I’ve been listening to it nonstop! Right now I’m hooked on the following songs:
Fairytale by Alexander Rybak (Norwegian singers are the best…the singer of Kamelot is Norwegian 8D)
The Edge of Paradise –Kamelot (I love all Kamelot though, it’s my favorite band along with Evanescence. If the quality seems weird, it’s actually recorded that way.)
And most recently…
What Have You Done –Within Temptation feat. Keith Caputo (Kind of metally, especially for this band, but I love it.)
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
P.S. RIP J.D. Salinger. He wrote The Catcher In The Rye, a literary classic. I haven’t read it but I was just about to start it, for both leisure and school reading. I don’t know much about him, but I hope he lived a long and happy life.
Don Juan
(Written today: I won’t be posting any more blogs from the past, and if I do I shall let you know.)
Hello everyone, welcome to my chocolate fa- I mean, blog. Couldn’t resist, so sorry. XD
These past few days have had little notable about them. Yesterday I went to school (duh). I’ve been bringing my ipod to school -despite my mother’s orders- but it makes math so much more enjoyable. Otherwise, I just sit there. My freshman friend Callie has been moved away from me, so now I am alone. In English we’ve been working on writing our book reports; mine is about Wuthering Heights. It’s been a breeze, except for the complexity of the 2nd half of the novel. It makes things slightly difficult, but I’m always up for a literary challenge. In physics Jj and Adalhi were not there, so I spent the class alone. I could not play my music or text; Mrs. Orona is a sharp one and notices even the most discreet actions. In p.e. we ran the mile. I actually ran it this time, even though I still didn’t have an outfit. I’ve gotten out of shape! My lungs had that freezing sensation again, my whole body itched and ached, and I twisted something in my ankle when I took off. I was ashamed to come in at 13:02, when before I was at 10. Although, a lack of sleep and appetite has played its part too. At lunch, I let Andi eat my soup as I have done for the past few days. Lately, if I eat anything heavier than chicken I become nauseous… it wasn’t until thursday night I ate red meat for the first time this month. Anyways, we ate in the art room instead of journalism because Andi had 2 assignments she needed to finish. Sasha and Tim (ROTC-sci fi writer-humble-shy) joined us as well. Afterwards… I don’t really remember what we did. Oh yes! I was assigned another article, one on how to help the people of Haiti. I’m already researching on what we teens can do, it will be an aneasy article. In history, we… did a worksheet. Yeah. My memory was faulty again. Nothing interesting happened, except Kevin called me an indie fag who wears earth toned sweaters. I took this as a compliment, despite my heterosexuality. I am sure he is just jealous of my amazing tastes; I’d rather be an indie fag than a badass foul mouth WANNABE. Mwaha!
When I got home, I took a nap. A nice, long, 6 hour nap. I did that last friday too. It’s like my forgiveness card to my body for making it stay up so late. Before I did that, I read the latest copy of Entertainment Weekly. They will not shut up about Avatar! Ugh… it’s a beautiful movie, filled with symbolism, sexy cat-smurfs, and a neo-green message… but I’m tired of it. It deserves some of the hype, but certainly not all! Perhaps I believe this because I’m so analytical and can find the symbolism easier than the average mind. Beh.
Today I got a hair cut at my stylist. I hadn’t been there since August, so my ends were in a desperate need of a trim. She made what layering I have more even, so my hair looks more styled and less “growing out frump”. It’s still all soft and silky…silkier than my kitty cats hehehehe…. Oh! I went to B&N to purchase a gift for my friend Lauryn. She’s one of the blondes from my old school, and the one I’ve known longest (4th grade). She’s having an Alice and Wonderland themed tea party for her birthday. I was going to get a book by one of her favortie authors Sarah Dressen but got her a book called Things Not Seen by Andrew Clemens instead. It’s about a teenage boy who suddenly turns invisible, and during his invisible adventures, meets a blind girl he later falls in love with. Cute eh? I think Lauryn will love it; she’s a sucker for anything cute, and romances. I of course, plan to read it before her party. I’m working on it now. I also got a book for myself, one that had been on my lsit for a while. It’s an intense werewolf romance, called Blood and Chocolate by Annette Kurtis Clause (a notable paranormal romance writer I’ve been DYING to read). The protagonist’s name is Vivian Gandillion; isn’t that badass? I wish that was my name .__. Weird enough, the story takes place in the suburbs of Maryland, of all the friggin’ places. It only proves how cool Maryland must be. I’m hoping it doesn’t take place near Baltimore, or in a certain town…
Speaking of Maryland and certain towns, I have a plan. You see, I have gone… a long time without hearing from MG in any way, shape, or form. Mind you, I’ve had other sets of eyes watching things for me… things to help support or condition my many theories. Not today, but very soon I plan to leave a voicemail asking why. One theory in particular -the one I hope is true- stands out. If it is true, we can still be in each other’s lives. Through this whole trauma, Mellie Moo has been her for me, as both a friend, guardian, and psychiatrist. I have consulted her with this theory, and she agrees that it makes the most sense. She also beleives that if this plan does not work, it will only prove that he was a sadistic monster, toying with my emotions… that he was not the lover, beloved friend, and man that I knew and love. I don’t know why he left me on facebook, or hasn’t contacted me. He’s left me in limbo, so to speak; stranded and afraid of whether I go to heaven or hell. I wish that I hadn’t removed him from twitter; but at the time it seemed only right, an eye for an eye. I was foolish. I need him in my life! “I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!” -Heathcliff And if must, than I will not live. I will not die -well a part of me will- but I will not live. I will function, I will survive. I will cry, laugh, and smile; each moment of emotion dedicated to him, as it was fro mthe very beginning. I will always love him, even when tied tothe anchor of my sorrow. And so, in a few days, we shall see whether I’m going under or if I rise. Wish me luck, and keep me in your prayers.
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
Sunburn
(Written on January 7th. My internet was down, still is but I’m using my wii as a means to go online.)
Warning: I swear and pour my heart out.
So, why haven’t I updated ina while you may wonder (other than the internet being down)? Did I lose both hands ina freakish accident, or die? No. I have a story to tell.
You see, it was a few days ago… I’m not sure how long. The days and nights have honestly become a blur of dark and light. For a few days, MG had been ignoring my texts, or so it seemed. That day, I had been forced to see a “family reconsilor” (a nice name for kid shrinks). When we 1st met, she was a witch in green stockings with a bag of shit for brains. These days, she’s been wearing animal print and her bag is a carton of rotten eggs. As you can imagine, the visit wasn’t pleasant. I texted him, needing some sort of emotional support. I waited half an hour, no response. I texted him again. Still no response. I gave him the benefit of the doubt; maybe he lost his charger, or left his phone at home. Or, he had bad reception or an emergency. I tried not to worry about it. When I got home I -of course, me being me- went on facebook. There something happened, something I never imagined would happen: he removed me from his facebook. I searched my messages. I searched my twitter, my phone, my email. There was no explanation anywhere… yet he had kept our mutual friends. I couldn’t breathe. The world felt as if it were spinning around me, like it does in the movies when a character makes an important realization. Then, my stomach lurched. I wanted to throw up so bad and I almost did. Silently, I crept to my room -keeping the light off- curled into a ball on my bed, and listened to my favorite song for the last time. I knew I wouldn’t be able to listen to it for a long time, not after this. Afterwards it was silent. I screamed and shook and cried -making sure I wasn’t too loud. This went on for an hour, until Mom called me to dinner. I composed myself quickly, and went downstairs to eat. I didn’t, of course. Mom asked me why I wasn’t eating. I told her I wasn’t hungry. She asked why. I screamed, and said “He removed me… from facebook.” I burst into tears, and screamed again. She hugged me, and instructed me to call Fletcher. For an hour, Fletcher took the worst of the storm. I cried and shook and screamed on the phone with him too. (On a side note, I had noticed MG being a little more cynical lately. It wasn’t that noticeable, I just picked on it.) During our talking I had come up with 4 theories:
1. He was either drunk or high -both unlikely.
2. He suddenly learned to hate me because I’m a stupid annoying bitch.
3. He was given an ultimatum; one person (a parent or the 1st girl in his life) made him let go of me, and he thought I would come crawling back and forgive him in time. (But that still doesn’t make much sense, he was not one who was ever easily influenced.)
4. A friend got into his account and removed me, a friend who didn’t like me. (But then wouldn’t he have apologized? Even if I was angry, I would think he’d brave it.)
It seemed that #2 fir the most. I wasalways afraid I had done something wrong, that I was annoying or selfish. It never made sense, that he loved me… and now logic seemed to be kicking in. Fletcher reassured me that I wasn’t to blame. He then went on an online search, and found little bits and pieces of things that could be interpreted as jerkish (the ones he told me weren’t that bad, except for one.) Once we got off the phone, I had stopped crying. At that point, I was in a rage. How dare he, do that to me when I endured hell for him? He had seen my blogs I was sure of it(now I think he just stopped reading). Everyday, I would cry and long for him, for the days of old. Even when that ended (Ex: my entries such as Wuthering Moon), he was a bit cruel, cutting the cord so quickly. Those past few weeks, I had lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep for a time, and I had returned to my old habit of cutting. I cut my wrists, and my hip. I would cut my hip because my cat had scratched me there one saturday night -the last saturday we were “together”. That sunday was when he began to act peculiarly. And so, I wanted that scratch to scar, so I could vivdily remember that beautiful day. (Note that I trust you to keep this thing confidential.) Now that I look back, it seemed I was withering away physically and mentally. Ironically, he once told me months before that no boy was worth my tears. Yet I cried and even bled for him each day….
Anyways, I boxed any item I could that made me think of him; every favorite book, every movie, even a few shirts and a hat of mine that was similar to one he had. It was also that nigh,t Mom saw my cuts. As you can imagine she wasn’t pleased. We talked about it, and I made a promise never to do it again. She put all of the knives away. She even put away my favorite one (the one I had hidden in the garage. It was used to cut shark filets).
The next day, I felt like my arm had been ripped off. Not completely, but a few tendons were hanging on. I was too afraid to cut them, but it wouldn’t heal. Slowly, it began to numb -not a whole lot but some. To this day, my metaphorical arm still dangles, afraid to be severed and afraid to heal.
I would like for him to be in my life again. I’ve always believed in 2nd chances. I’d be terrified but I would do it. I know many of my friends -and maybe even you- woudl disagree with that decision, but he was my close friend for over 3 years. I don’t want to lose him completely. I doubt he wants me back in his life…the only hope I have is if he were to call me. I don’t think I should call him. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong… and if I did, I should be alerted as to what I did! If something was bugging him, he coudl have told me. We had very little -if any- secrets. My Mom thinks he found another girl. Mellie Moo thinks he’s just a jerkface and a fickle gemini. Neither of these fit the MG I’ve come to know and love. But…the MG I know wouldn’t have dropped me like this, without so much as an explanation or a goodbye. If there was another girl, I wish he would have told me. A drastic cut like this, was not good for me. There is no closure, I want answers. Answers that, I can only dream of getting.
There are so many theories and so many questions, but in the end all I see are broken promises, and fear.
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
P.S. If you’re getting sick of the MG talk, save yourself the time and avoid the blog for at least a month.
January Bloom
Happy New Decade everyone!
New Year’s is vastly overrated; however, I am looking forward to a new decade. I’m sorry to say I have no fancy greeting for you. I’m not angry or depressive, don’t worry. I’m happy.
Obviously, I’ve cooled off from my last entry. It (the anger/angst) comes in streaks but with a lot of venting I feel better. I feel much better. I haven’t been watching any movies (except one but it’s not Phantom or Scissorhands), which helps.
After my mini meltdown, I devised an experiment to try not to think deeply on anything for 24 hours. I was doing really well until the 20th hour. Then I thought too much on the drama, and I had another little meltdown. That’s okay though; I didn’t take it out on anyone and after much venting to my beloved Aunt Mellie Moo(whose really a family friend but like another) I felt better. Today, I still had issues –big ones- but I’m trying to find ways to deal with them.
I wonder what this coming decade, this year will bring; this last decade certainly was unpredictable. I’ve gone from being a single child in a two parent home to a young woman in a single parent house, who fell in love this year and been through a whole lot of other stuff in the past few. I’m not going to go into that list, but I’m interested to say the least what this year and this decade brings. All I really want is good grades, more love, less tears. Oh, and I want to lose a little weight this year, along with the rest of the American female population. I doubt it’ll happen, but I can dream.
I spent my New Year’s with my mom at home. My sister was asleep. We had king crab legs for dinner, and even though they weren’t sweet, they were still delicious. It’s a tradition of ours, each new year. Afterwards we watch Seventeen Again (the one with Zac Efron). I will admit, he is handsome and seems like a nice person from what I’ve read in my gossip magazine days. He’s gone from being something of a joke (GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME!!! Haha…spazz moment…sowwy…) to a real actor, something to be proud of. The movie was pleasant, and overall very entertaining. And that had nothing to do with the shirtless scenes. Seriously. -.- Afterwards, I wrote a letter to myself to read in 10 years. I don’t know what kind of advice I can give myself, but we’ll see. When the New Year’s countdown ended, I chugged a bottle of sparkling cider. As you can imagine, I had quite the stomach ache afterwards. Hey if I can’t have booze, I ought to grab the next best thing, right?
Today, I helped my mom clear out her closet and mine. I folded laundry, did a shitload of math work, had a sincere talk, and ate cheesecake for dinner. You may be wondering why I’m so happy (and no, it’s not to do with my mom). I got to text Mystery Guy. He was bored –and probably a bit lonely- since he was sleeping over at a friend’s house. I wonder who invites an insomniac to a sleepover, and falls asleep before them? (If I were them, I’d have a ton of sugar so I could try to stay up with them). We texted for over an hour, talked about random little things… and I loved every second of it. Actually, love is a bit of an understatement but I don’t know a stronger word. Anyways, I’m pretty sure he fell asleep or his phone died, since he’s not responding. I hope he fell asleep. Either way, I’m happy. I feel… almost whole. Like a piece of my soul that was once lost has returned, and fits perfectly. I haven’t felt like this since we talked on the phone a few weeks ago. Nmmm… I’m going to sleep well tonight and I hope you do too (even if you’re not reading this at night)! x]
Speak your mind, spread the love, and have a happy new decade,
~Emma R.
P.S. I’m addicted to this song at the moment, I love his voice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XT-SFhh8JYs
Flaming Lips
WARNING: I swear.
One, two, three, four -
Do You Realize – that you have the most beautiful face?
Do You Realize – we’re floating in space ?
Do You Realize – that happiness makes you cry?
Do You Realize – that everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes – let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It’s hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don’-go down
It’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning round…
So hey. I hope everything’s been great for you guys.
Wow… it doesn’t feel like 2 days since my last post. It feels much longer. Time crawls by so slowly when on “winter” break. Not much exciting has gone on. I spend most of my time trying not to be bored. My ipod helps alot (I’m thinking about naming it…not sure what…) but I’m finally starting school work. We actually didn’t have homework, but I have some missing assignments. I really didn’t any work when I was having the bad week, and now I’m paying for it :/
Ever since my last post, I’ve been watching Phantom of the Opera and Edward Scissorhands on a daily basis. They’re lovely, and 2 of my favorite movies. Everytime I do so, they upset me (I’m hoping not to watch it today…Morgan really likes them and I do too). But… it’s the concept of a one of a kind individual losing their loved one forever for a really dumb reason… it kills me! Obviously there’s some personal trauma behind this. If you’ve been a frequent reader, you know why. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of feeling hurt, of thinking of the harsh reality that I choose to follow rules I didn’t really agree on in the 1st place. I don’t think it’s fair that I feel guilty for wanting to call when I’m lonely, or wanting to text I love you. It’s not fair at all. So why do I do it? To follow the fucking rules. Rules I don’t understand, don’t like, and never did. If I had one wish, it would be to sort this out; to abolish the rules, to make me older and in a college near him…. or something to just fix this!! This may be working for him, but it’s not for me. I’m becoming angrier person for it. I HATE IT. I want to be happy again, the happy Emma of November whose world was near perfect, the Emma even I admired. I don’t know what to do. I can’t let go; I don’t know how. He’s another part of me, another half. I can’t live without him, and I’m not functioning so well evne with him as a periodic acquaintance. Yet “Edward” won’t let up on the rules, and I don’t have any other Cullens to help me, to vote.
Mom and I had a long talk all about this situation last night. She likes him, she does. However, she doesn’t like how he never sent the christmas package, we haven’t seen any coverart from his book, how just dropped me, and then the rules. She hates the rules as much as I do… she told me… she’s actually wanting this for me… she says he’s good for me… and I think she’s right. She did say however, “If he’s not a player, he needs to stop acting like one.” One of her theories is that he’s playing with me. He is playing with me, but not intentionally I don’t think. She wishes he would have talked to her before dropping me, so that she could help me cope. I wish he would have too. I think he has her number. I think she actually wants to talk to him… she doesn’t see anything wrong with our age. I’m almost 16, and he turned 18 in the summer. Plus, my mental age is a bit bigger than that. She doesn’t like how I’m the one who has to call, I’m the one who usually texts 1st. It’s not fair… she’s right. Why do I? Doesn’t he miss me? What’s wrong with being attached to each other… if he still cares that is. I WANT ANSWERS!!! I’m too afraid to ask though… I’m afraid of being hurt again. As hard as I try to be strong, I’m very delicate emotionally. I’m tired of snapping at my family, and venting to my friends. Especially, for something that isn’t my fault. I want answers, and I want them now… but chances are, I won’t get them. I won’t get them for another 892 days. That is, if he’s willing to take me after I graduate. I bet money he’d make me wait until I finish college… Whatever. I’ll cool off by tomorrow but I know the emotion will still be there. It’s a wound that won’t heal, a wound I can’t even say my heart took. My heart isn’t with me; it’s with him.
So… I wasn’t really planning on venting. Okay, maybe I was. But not that much. Sorry. My life isn’t bad. Just this big important part is. I need to calm down, I’m practically shaking…. sigh.
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
A Long and Lonely Night
“Hello my love,”
Said the crow to the dove
“What a wonderful day it is to be alive!”
The dove ruffled its feathers
And shuffled its feet
And there it said it goodbyes.
It’s a poem of mine. Pointless, but I couldn’t think of a better greeting so yeah. Hai. 
Ah I love Phantom… it’s soo good. It may not make sense at parts (like how the candle holders magically move out of the way when Christine and Erik are in the catacombs, or how her makeup changes so quickly) but oh how I love it. The music is much like my beloved symphonic metal, and the actors are well chosen. Fletcher pointed out the other day that I look like Emmy Rossum (the girl who plays Christine). I’m positively tickled, especially since I can see the semblance! Did you know Ms. Rossum writes poetry, like me? I’ve searched high and low but can’t find any online sadly. I’d love to compare our styles and subjects.
So sorry, I had to get that out of my system… XD
The past few days have struck me like a whirlwind, but where to start? I’ve often heard the beginning is the best spot. Two days before Christmas I spent the whole day helping my uncle fix things around the house. It’s more run down than we thought. As annoying as he may be, he has fixed my closet, my sister’s closet, the sprinkler system, the garage door, the kitchen sink, and other things. Christmas Eve could have been better. I spent the day with my uncle, doing nothing really. My mom was at work, my sister with Dad. I was just grateful to have someone with me, otherwise… well, I would have been miserable. That night when my mom got home, none of the movies we wanted to see were out so we didn’t get to do that. We wanted to eat out at BJ’s but it ended up closing early. So, we ate Christmas dinner at Denny’s. It was a bit pathetic I admit and Mom felt rather bad about it, but I was okay with it. As for Christmas day…. we talked to my grandparents in Jupiter (Florida, that is) and opened the presents from them. Overall, I got:
DVDs: Edward Scissorhands and Phantom of the Opera (which I am currently watching)
Books: Collected Works of Jane Austen, Under the Dome by Stephen King, The Color Purple by Alice Walker Eragon’s Guide To Alagaesia by Eragon (;D)
Music: A collection of music from the finest musicals, The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, and the latest Paramore and Susan Boyle albums.
Amongst other things were an 8gb ipod and a down pillow, both of these being my favorites. I had a down pillow years ago when I was small, until it was “lost” 5 years ago. As for the ipod, I had one last year but it was lost. I’m awfully fond of Phantom of the Opera though.
Later that day we went to my mother’s cousin’s house (No, not the one I went to for Thanksgiving. My mother has two, and this was the other). There was the same group of people and the same cooks, so as you can imagine the warm fuzziness was the same as Thanksgiving. There was still a cold in me, one that can only be warmed by one person… a coldness that will be explained later. We later exchanged white elephant gifts. At first I got two barbies, a mermaid and another with pink hair. I later exchanged them for a lovely red and black silk bag, it’s beautifully crafted. The following days haven’t been so eventful; I’ve just been helping my uncle fix things around the house, playing with my ipod, etc. I’ve read a tiny bit of The Color Purple. It’s very good but I would only recommend it to someone very mature.
On the night of the 27th, I saw Sherlock Holmes. A fabulous movie it was, I loved it! It was a unique adaption of Holmes, with much more action and romance. Normally, I may frown on this but it only accentuated the story, putting other stories that pepper those elements to shame. You have to follow it closely, it requires much thinking but nevertheless it was still very good. I hope and bet they will make a sequel….
After we saw that we went to the cheesecake factory, where I only got a glass of milk. I had gone there the other day with my uncle, and my appetite wasn’t really there. Although today it was certainly revived; I had all sorts of odd cravings, and acted on them gluttonously. What else did I do today hmm… not really much…. my uncle left an hour ago. It was bittersweet. He acts like a fat, greedy little boy at times and at others he is kind, and even charming. Either way, I’m grateful for all the fixing up he did aroung the house. It’s quiet again, and lonelier; I hate that feeling when company leaves. I need something or someone to focus on, or I tend to think too much… and I’m starting to find that thinking is not always good.
You see, for several days I thought long and hard on my current status with Mystery Guy. I longed for him, I wanted to change it, I wanted to go back to the way it was, I wanted more. In other words, I was Bella trying to bend Edward’s rules.
I was mad enough on Christmas Eve to ask Mystery Guy why we couldn’t be in a relationship. I honestly didn’t understand and still don’t, not completely. My Mom doesn’t. And he’s done a few things that make him look real shitty in my mom’s eyes (like not mailing my Christmas package when he said he would a month ago). I wish he would have told me wasn’t going to send it, instead of leaving me to wonder. It would have been kinder…. anyways, his response was that he was worried my age (which didn’t matter previously) he didn’t like living his life longing for something he was so far away from. At first I was furious, almost violently. After all, the Mystery Guy I knew had me 1st on his priority list, dreamed of me when he slept, and said many grand things. Is all of that lies now? Plus, he didn’t like the longing… the longing I had and would so willingly endure. But then again, I’ve always been well acquainted with longing even when I was small. If anything, longing has become a friend of mine. But none of it made sense to me.
I seriously thought of some of the most awful things to do or say, just to hurt him…. things that would hurt my friends too. Then for a time, I was afraid.
He wasn’t acting like the Guy I knew, the Guy I was so afraid of losing, the Guy I thought was just a dream. So I was also hurt and I still am if the wound is prodded at enough. Time has subdued these emotions as well as others. In fact, for the first time I can remember I am going to embrace reality. Reality tells me that if I really want him, I will have to do this the hard way. I will have to wait. I graduate in 894 days, and I would like for him to be there. If not then, when I am out of college. This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I never was a patient soul. But I’ll do it, for him. I don’t remember if I told him but I do know that I have told others that I would wait a thousand days to be in his arms for one. And I intend to keep my word, even if it kills me. You may think of me as mad, or hopeless -maybe I am- but if so, I intend to stay mad for the rest of my life. As long as he will still have me… and if he falls for another, all I ask is for him to tell me, so I don’t find out another, harder way.
Mewzik: Susan Boyle’s Wild Horses is amazing. Perhaps it’s because it has personal meaning, but it’s currently my favorite song. My obsessong, if you will.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGytm13sbIE
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
P.S. If you wish to see, here are pictures from the cookie party.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2043405&id=1458784732&l=ecaa161c5d
Corona
I see you.
Welcome to the blog, once again. I warn you, it’s the longest one ever.
Friday was quite a day; it was my last day of school for the year. In math we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3 because one of the guys couldn’t bring Elf. In English we shared our “quilt” projects, wherein each patch represented something about ourselves. I was shaking and blushing by the time I shared mine, I stuttered too >.< Mine was a bit exotic compared to most: people represented themselves with a smiley face; I used a young tree on a moonlight night in a field. For what I was most proud of about myself, I used a small withered plant in a desert, to symbolize making it out alive last year. I didn’t go into much detail, but I was still so nervous… in Physics we took a group test. I had Adahli (freshman-friend-grey-rock), J.J., and a random chick named Marissa. I think we did very well. We ate a lot of sweets, heh. We had a free day in P.E. which meant me walking the track for extra credit. I talked with Josh for a bit (you know, the silly sweet piano guy I seemed kind of sweet on?) and spent the rest of my time with Michelle and Kristen (goth-pokemon lover-sweet). At lunch I exchanged gifts with Andi and Sasha. Sasha got me a pretty bookmark with an S on it, and Andi got me a tiger poster. I felt really bad, because all I had were candy canes and I’m better off than they are.
In journalism we had an ice cream party and a secret Santa exchange. I gave my person, a guy named Dylan (ginger-sport Slipknot lover- dark eyes-cuteish) a stocking filled with his favorite candies and an iTunes gift card. He gave me a bag of chocolate pretzels, a gift card to B&N, candy, and a thoughtful note hoping I had a good holiday break. I was actually touched he put so much effort in. I intend to write a thank you note for him later.
In History I basically non-stop scooped through two gallons of ice cream in ten minutes despite my carpal tunnel freaking out because Mr. Costa is a lazy bastard. I had a few students help –namely the lovely Jasmine- but my hands were shaking afterwards. I was very tired from the night before, I was awake until 3 trying to help my mom clean. When Mom picked me up, I found Uncle Mark in the car. And after listening to him talk for 5 minutes –not even saying hello or acknowledging my presence until he was done ranting about his screwed up friends back east- I realized how much I really don’t like him. He’s a selfish, immature, stubborn cynic who sees the world through an iron box. He nit picks at EVERYTHING. I swear, if he wasn’t of my mother’s blood and he wasn’t good with tools I’d have snapped at him by now. We got our tree, and hit traffic. I made the mistake of texting Mystery Guy twice in a day (or rather starting two conversations). Bottled emotions bubbled, and I snapped. Not in a mean way, but in an exasperated way. I felt so bad for it, but I was so lonely… and he’s the first person I think of when I’m lonely. He told me he doesn’t want me to be so attached. I don’t understand. I love him… I need him. I need him, more than anyone else in the world, more than anything. I didn’t mean to push a border, but I need him. I miss the old days… it’s not like we don’t care for each other, I think he still cares. Why can’t I openly love him why why why? The cynical bitch in me tells me to move on, that he doesn’t want me anymore and he never did. This makes sense somewhat. I had such a hard time grasping the fact that someone like him, so wondrous could love someone like me. A babbling romantic who talks about herself all the time, whose head is up in the clouds and never does as she’s told. Someone, who in reality can be very cold and is very stubborn, I never understood it and I still don’t… but I treasure that love and I believe and hope it is still there; that those words meant something and promises won’t be broken. I haven’t talked to him since, partially as a punishment to myself and to attempt to prove I’m strong enough to go without. It’s been past three days, the longest I’ve ever gone without contact from him… and it shows.
The next day was spent preparing for the annual cookie party. Very busy, very tiring.
We went to a boat parade in the evening. Mellie Moo and Ronnie Boo (our nutty family friends) had a boat decorated, so we joined them. Their boat was smothered in lights, had cardboard whales on the side, and even a plush skiing Santa that ran behind it. My sister loved it, thinking all of these people were actually her fans, and I just narrated a few videos and waved like a Disney character. We ate mini corndogs and pizza bites. It was epic. I kept one of my hands in the water most of the time. I liked the cold, the wet and even the numb. My mom freaked out when she realized my hand was in there, she said I felt dead. I laughed. Now that I look back, I feel bad I shouldn’t have worried her. Oh, the videos may make it on face book if Ron emails them to me.
Sunday was both hectic and epic. My mother was a maelstrom, with broom and Lysol in hand. I did my best to help, but it still didn’t feel like enough. Later she said otherwise but… we were frustrated when our 1st guest showed up half an hour early and we were still in our pajamas. It was just a little friend of my sister’s but still… by the time my guests started to show up, I was presentable (just without unstraightened hair). J.J., Lysha, Andi, Maddie, and later Fletcher showed up. We had quite the time; it was filled with food, fun, and just amazingness. I have pictures on face book for those of you who are on there and haven’t seen. Lysha and Maddie ended up spending the night, and we didn’t go to bed until 3.
The next day they left relatively early, and I went to see Avatar in IMAX with my uncle and sister. It was marvelous, worth the hype. The morals, the graphics, the characters… it was very real. Rarely has a movie struck me so hard with reality. I’m not a big fan of the “green” movement but I did like that message behind it, it truly shows the trauma the real creatures and people go through, especially those who live in the rainforest. I loved the respect for life, the concept of a mother goddess, the romance…. I really did like it. It ran 20 minutes longer than I’d like, but it doesn’t matter. I’d rather have a movie too long than too short. I wish McDonald’s wasn’t promoting it, as there were some words little kids shouldn’t hear and a mating scene they shouldn’t see. I was embarrassed that my little sister saw it >.> Afterwards we went to a mall, one I had never been to before. I didn’t like it, not one bit. My uncle was near silent the whole time, he isn’t much of a mall guy. I’m not much of one either. There are teenagers everywhere, focused on material goods and instant gratification… there are models, who portray today’s beautiful. They’re hideous, scrawny. Yet, with their airbrushed skin and bright eyes I’m jealous. I wish I could have that, but I know it’s scarce for anyone to look like that naturally. It’s unrealistic… it reminds me of twilight…. But that’s a rant for another time.
I’m listening to music that finally isn’t Christmas related. My mom has it on every waking moment of the day; I’m home alone for the first time in days… it feels good. You have no idea what it’s like not listening to Evanescence for more than a week. You may as well be taking chocolate, boots, and my kitties too D: The past few days haven’t left me much time to think yet I have done more than a long time. This Christmas Eve marks the day I started to feel a bit better. Last year was a nightmare, a nightmare before Christmas (no quirks intended). If I hadn’t have made it out, I can say without uncertainty that I wouldn’t be here right now. I hated life, and sometimes I still do. I’m not completely out of the woods, I just stand on the border touching a tree staring…and I wonder if I ever will be. “Cured” that is. I see the negative in things all too often; I can’t change that, and if there comes a time there’s more than normal… I could so easily fall again… but this whole thing angers me. I wasn’t strong enough last time, I needed to be strong. I still do. In all this cheer, it still beckons to me much more than I think it should… but I’m fighting it. I wish I was stronger… but I’m not. I don’t know how to make myself stronger. Endurance isn’t necessarily strength.
So then I ask myself: You can’t do this alone. Who or what can help you? Well, friends are a huge help, but what can they do? I can talk, but I don’t want them to worry too much. I’m not going to confide in mom or she will take me back to counseling, and that will look bad on the court papers, and they will make me see Dad, thinking he’s a part of it. And he’s not. I think of drugs, I think of alcohol, I think of sex… but all those things are so bad for your body. Sex isn’t, but I’d be tearing myself apart on the inside… and why screw myself physically and emotionally? All of those things are so stupid, at this point in my life. Music and writing do help but only to a degree. If I spend too much time on them, Mom says that I go into withdrawal from the real world, which is another sign of depression. But I’m not depressed, I don’t think. I’m just close. I like wearing dark colors; but that’s me. I do like dressing the way I did, but I don’t like the makeup anymore. I put on a smile, sometimes. I put on a cheery disposition too, the one people knew a few months ago, that grew so much weeks ago…. This is eating away at me, so much more than it should. I need to surround myself with loved ones, write, read, and listen to music at normal levels. I shouldn’t eat too much, like I did last time. I almost love (as in the adore sort) my body, if it wasn’t for my tummy and love handles. The face pudge will go down over time. But I need to do those things. I need to distract myself, to do what is best for me…
Speak your mind, spread the love, and Merry Christmas,
~Emma R
Butterfly Lips
Oh come all ye faithful…. To read my blog on this fair morn… (If it’s not obvious I don’t remember the rest of the lyrics, and I made up the last part. I fail.)
Hey. :]
Today was nice, not bad at all. Math and English were not out of the ordinary. In physics we ended up doing a simple study guide, since the test is tomorrow. In it, J.J. told me about how he talked to the drama teacher Ms. Via(sp?). She was wondering if I would be interested in writing a play for the drama club to perform, both at the school and the International Thespian Festival. I’d love to, but I need to talk to her tomorrow about it. I already have a story in mind. If she likes it and it’s popular enough I may make it into a story, like a bookish one.
In P.E. we played our final game of football, thank the Lord. Unfortunately, we were playing Rosemary (sour-munchkin like-pregnant-swearing mean-person) for the third time. They won, but only because they stretched the end zone off the field and onto the track. Oh well, at least we aren’t playing any more. I don’t have to worry about being hit by the ball! Although I’ve heard rumors we’re doing swimming. Maybe today’s unusually warm weather is a blessing in disguise.
Lunch was lunch. I met with Andi and Sasha in the newspaper room. Journalism was boring, I spent the whole time watching Andi make a snow globe on photoshop while listening to her ipod, mostly Kamelot stuff. We have some crazy pictures we took on Friday via the comp, but she has yet to email them to me. I’m hoping she will do that tomorrow. History was boring too.
Yesterday was much of the same, minus one thing. Elena (art president-unusual wardrobe-blue hair-sweet) asked if I could give her some of my poetry. You see, downtown there is an Art Walk and sometime in February our school will be there. She wants art of all kinds to be displayed, and poetry would certainly be unique. I intend to email or show her a few tomorrow.
I’ve read much farther into Wuthering Heights. It’s very dark… but very good. I go on the Cliff notes after reading just to make sure I got the whole message. (Cliff Heathcliff what a coincidence eh?) I’m about halfway through. It gets very sad after this point, mostly due to their rash and selfish decisions but Heathcliff and Catherine’s love is so profound, I can sympathize. Some of the quotes in there are outstanding, I adore and can relate to them, such as: “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” “It was not the thorn bending to the honeysuckles, but the honeysuckles embracing the thorn.” “I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!” “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.” “He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.” Like what I said, some pretty amazing quotes.
…I want to hit myself in the head sometimes. I’ve had an amazing past two days, but I haven’t appreciated them at all. They feel so empty, so pointless. I’ve the most pathetic amount of Christmas spirit! Not as bad as last year, but that was under very different circumstances. Everything is pretty good here, I’m not alone. When I’m with my friends I have a great time… but I act so odd when I am alone. I guess I’m afraid? I think so. I’ve just been more insecure than normal lately. Not as much as before, but I feel small, pathetic. I want a hug, I want to be held.
I wish life wasn’t so complex, with so much drama, so much work and so much waiting. Yet, if it was simple complex minds would become bored, and more issues would arise from that… I know it’s for the better but I can dream, can’t I? Well, if changing the world isn’t the answer… I wish that I could see the world through butterfly eyes; simple but profound. Rather, I am blessed with butterfly lips, lips that seem to enchant even in their fumbling. I hate my desire for knowledge. I wish I was content with mediocre, at least in the means of knowledge. Yet, I know my life would be so much different if I was… it wouldn’t be better, and I don’t think I’d be happier in many aspects but… I don’t know. =/
Mewzik: I’m not really listening to much. Nothing seems to be doing much for me, even the happy and Christmasey stuff. I recently discovered two nice Taylor Swift songs, called Last Christmas and Christmases When You Were Mine. I recommend them, they’re pretty.
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
P.S. I love you and I miss you, whether you know it or not.
Unbridled
Kvetha, eka ai fricai un shurtugal! For those of you who haven’t read Eragon, that translates as “Greetings, I am a rider and a friend!” Yes, I am a nerd and I am proud.
Today…. I ate See’s chocolate! It had been forever since I had some, it was delicious. I actually got out and went to see a play with my beloved Fletcher (sweet-nerdish-spiritual brother). It was called “Twelve Angry Jurors” and playing at my old school. It was very emotional for me. I hadn’t been down those halls since the last day of school. Some of the greatest, and the worst moments of my life had been acted out there. The smell of the greenery, the paved paths, and genuine smiles etched on familiar faces… it was too much for me to take. I was so happy, I sobbed after the play. At my school now, no one acts like that. It doesn’t have that magic. People are cold and distant, the place is overall very ghetto. While my old school, it’s like a faerieland to me… the play itself was very good. The acting was superb, every single role was perfected to a T. I enjoyed it very much, I want to see the movie now.
My friend Tyler(geekish-musical lover-glasses-Fletcher’s secret lover-XD) was in the play. When I 1st saw him, it spurred my sobbing. I cried even more when I gave him a hug. I actually screamed, then cried. I missed him so much, and didn’t even realize it…I cried and cried and cried of happiness and even shook a bit…he even did a little dance to cheer me up, but I just cried more I was so happy. I never realized how loyal I was until today hehe. I swore he grew, but he was wearing man-heels. He just looked so different from how I remembered, it made me kind of sad. My old school is having a free choir concert, and Tyler, Fletcher, along with other friends will be performing. I definetly plan on attending. Maybe I won’t cry this time!
I can’t sleep. I miss him, Mystery Guy very much right now at 1 in the morning… and have been for several hours. He has been on my mind non-stop. He is just amazing, truly. He’s been to Japan! XD And he can cook, and he’s done all these sports and read all these wonderful books and listens to the best music… yet he remains so humble, so sweet and genuine…so much so that my mom thinks he’s a suckup. It’s ridiculous, it’s insane I know. I wonder if he’s still going to Comic Con (and if so, on what days). Then I could see him… oh the joy I’d feel…there would be no words. Even if we just saw each other, I would be so blissful. I might pass out at that moment, or break down at least. I honestly love him. I really do… >.<
So, other than my emotions getting the best of me, nothing really went on. I hope you all are enjoying the holiday season and have a great 24 hours!
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
Wallflower’s Melancholy
~When you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello Hello
When you say goodbye, I say hello~
[Welcome to the blog, my friends.]
I love the weather here. It’s still cold, but it’s warmed up a tiny bit. I’m glad too; I’ve run out of turtlenecks. I’ve gotten to the point where I just layer things, not really caring whether it matches or looks nice. It’s not like I have anyone to impress here, heh.
Today had a few interesting events, but it wasn’t exciting. My freshman friend Callie was absent from Algebra 1, so I resumed my role as wallflower.
In English we’re starting a poetry unit, which is VERY VERY exciting!! It’s only going to be for a few days, but in 3rd quarter Mrs. Coate says we do something called “closer reading”. With it, we analyze the poems thoroughly, which is just up my alley. I do that every day, on my writing sites.
In physics, J.J. brought fig newtons as a snack. I hadn’t had one in years (so long ago, that I don’t recall ever eating one) so I tried it. It tasted fake. The filling, the outside… it doesn’t taste natural. Plus the filling was grainy, so I nibbled on it for a while, and then threw it away. J.J. was in a very good mood. I let him borrow my old (yet functional) phone yesterday so he can talk with his girlfriend. He’s been really stressed out, and they’re long distance so I wanted to bring him just a little sanity. He hugs me every time he sees me, saying he owes me. I kept telling him not to worry about it. Little did I know that he would return the favor sooner than I expected.
In P.E. my coach was a massive jerk. I haven’t been dressing out, because my clothes were stolen. We’re playing football, my 2nd worst sport, so I’m not participating much. (I want to live!) Add these two things together and I’m failing the class. When we were playing today, I zoned out. It’s quieter out there than it is in a classroom, its cooler, and I’m more comfortable; it’s all too easy to. Coach saw this and he made me walk the track for the rest of the period. Ironically, I asked to do this when my clothes were stolen, hoping I’d get extra credit. It annoyed me, but it wasn’t all that bad. It was even quieter, and I got to do as I pleased.
Lunch was normal. I spent it in Mrs. Coate’s room with Andi and her friend Sasha (French-sweet-Jacob Black-lover) as usual. Their friend Sarah (geek-mellow-tall-short black hair) tagged along too. She was mopey, as she just suffered her 1st breakup. Unfortunately, we ended up on the subject of guys, so we really didn’t help her. I especially, ended up saying too much. =/
Journalism was hellish. Mrs. Coate was SO mad at me. I hadn’t finished one article, and it was important. I didn’t work on it at all last week, so it’s my fault. I deserved it, but I was relatively stressed/upset for the rest of the day. I didn’t finish it, and I had to so I ended up staying after school to try and finish it. I was a little hurt as I resumed my role as wallflower. No one talked to me, even when everyone else was involved in the conversations (souring my mood all them more). I finished at 5. Obviously the bus wasn’t there, so I asked J.J. if I could get a ride home. He was auditioning for Grease in the auditorium. I went to watch him. He auditioned for Danny Zuko and did a pretty good job. He looks nothing like him, but he’s a very talented actor.
Mom was mad when I got home. I didn’t tell her I’d be home so late, but I called Morgan before telly (my cell phone) died. I didn’t blame her, I know I’d be the same way if it was the other way around. She was also in a bad mood because she has to drink 2 liters of this foul liquid for a cancer test she’s having tomorrow. I had a little; it’s worse than any medicine I’ve ever had. I think she’ll be okay, she only has to get the test because my grandma got cancer early for her age (she doesn’t have it anymore).
I’ve taken a break from Wuthering Heights, to read a book called Cut by Patricia Cornwell. It’s about a girl who is a cutter, and is forced to live in a mental instituition. It’s supposed to be very good and devastingly sad. I was depressed by it, but certainly not sad. The author captured the mentality of depression very well, but the girl’s reason for cutting was pretty pathetic. Maybe I’m just cold; other people cried when they read it. But, it was the same way with Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (a marvelous book about a girl who faces depression); I never cried. I felt pain, but I never cried. I think it’s because it seemed real to me, it reminded me of my own past. Except… although I considered my reasons to be a bit pathetic, they weren’t as bad as hers. No one died, no one was truly harmed. It was rather silly. Nevertheless, I still recommend it…. But if you’ve read Speak you’re going to be disappointed.
So…that was my day. Pretty exciting eh? Oh! Tomorrow is National Talk In a Fake British Accent day. I plan on participating all day. That will make tomorrow most certainly interesting =D
Speak your mind, spread the love, and blessed be,
~Emma R.
